Miss you, love you.

Dear PawPaw,

I have started this letter a million times in the last two months. It seems like a blur, your illness and death. Writing those words still makes my heart hurt. I have been really sad since you left but I have to remember not to be selfish. You would be utterly miserable right now had your body not given up on you. You would be in a lot of pain and you would have never been able to do the things you loved. It would have hurt to breath. Probably never would have shot a gun or drove your sports cars ever again. You wouldn’t have been the happy, active PawPaw that we all love. And because of this, I am glad that Jesus welcomed you home even if that means I have to be sad for a while. I love you so much no matter what that means for me. And because of this, I had to let you go.

It warms my heart that I got to spend that last week with you. I know you had hard time breathing and I know it hurt but I really needed those days with you PawPaw. We all thought you would get better, I was rooting for you. And ya know what? You did get better, you had the divine physician and now you hurt no more. It was hard to watch those painful breaths yet you used them to tell me that you loved me and I’ll never forget that. The best compliment I’ve had ever had in my life was when you told me you were proud of the person I have become. I am honored that you thought so. It helps me to know that I have your blessing to marry Erik.  You said that you have never seen me happier. You are right, I’ve never been happier. He treats me in a way that would honor you. He is a true gentleman, just like you. On our wedding day, my heart will hurt because my PawPaw won’t be there but I know I have your blessings from Heaven.

I loved following you when I was a little girl, I was your shadow and you are my hero. I will always remember how excited you were to see me when we would travel to Virginia. Your eyes lit up as I ran up the driveway to your arms and I’ll always love the smell of British Sterling. An active Grandfather, you always played games with us. You were always the fun one. By the way, you could have let us win every once and awhile, haha. When you took us to the Lexington fair, I begged you to ride the double ferris wheel with me. Of course, even though you were deathly afraid of heights, you went up anyway. Haha, I wiggled my feet just to make you nervous and you said, “Don’t you DARE move kid.” We had so much fun, didn’t we? You taught me how to shoot a rifle; I have a pretty good shot, huh? Of course, I was taught by my Marine Pawpaw, an expert marksman. I was so proud to be yours. I learned so much from you that would never fit in this letter. All of our memories and adventures we had will always be in my heart and I will never forget.

I’ll always love you and I miss you. I am a better person because you lived.

Until we meet again. Love,

Tuffy, “Kid”